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5 Love Languages

🚀 The Book in 3 Sentences

The book defines 5 different ways we need affection from our loved ones. It covers how you can identify which love language your significant other uses and how to strengthen love by talking to them in their language. It does this by using examples of love languages or dialects and shows how others have used them to a great extent.

🎨 Impressions

I think it was a good book; it gave, in a complicated way, the idea that you need to earn your love from another person by giving her or him the love they or needs. It is a good and, I think, true concept. Furthermore, classifying the different love languages makes it easier to understand what the different persons require. Some might be more interested in intimacy and physical presence, while others are more into getting words of affirmation or getting acts of service.

How I Discovered It​

I think it was a hacker news board once again.

Who Should Read It?​

I think if you are interested in having a long and loving relationship, there is no reason not to read this book.

☘️ How the Book Changed Me

I don't think the book necessarily changed me that much; more that the concept made sense to me, and I was better able to understand what I needed more than having a profound or lasting epiphany. I got somewhat changed; I reflected a lot on my relationships what I have done, and what I should have done.

✍️ My Top Quotes

  • If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants.

  • On the other hand, the husband who says, “Haven’t had an apple pie since the baby was born. Don’t guess I’ll get any more apple pies for eighteen years,” has ceased being an adult and has reverted to adolescent behavior. Such demands do not build intimacy

  • *If your spouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation: 1. To remind yourself that “Words of Affirmation” is your spouse’s primary love language, print the following on a 3x5 card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily:     

    • Words are important!      
    • Words are important!      
    • Words are important!

  • *If your spouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation:

    1. To remind yourself that “Words of Affirmation” is your spouse’s primary love language, print the following on a 3x5 card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily:      Words are important!      Words are important!      Words are important!
    2. For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day. At the end of the week, sit down with your spouse and review your record.   On Monday, I said:    
      • “You did a great job on this meal.”      
      • “You really look nice in that outfit.”
      • “I really appreciate your picking up the laundry.”
      • On Tuesday, I said:      etc. You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking words of affirmation.
    3. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for one month. If “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. (You may want to record these compliments also, so you will not duplicate the statements.)
    4. As you read the newspaper, magazines, and books, or watch TV or listen to radio, look for words of affirmation which people use. Observe people in conversation. Write those affirming statements in a notebook. (If they are cartoons, clip and paste them in your notebook.) Read through these periodically and select those you could use with your spouse. When you use one, note the date on which you used it. Your notebook may become your love book. Remember, words are important!
    5. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse, and give it quietly or with fanfare! (Chances are, when he dies, you will find your love letter tucked away in some special place.) Words are important!
    6. Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
    7. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are she will work hard to live up to her reputation.
    8. Tell your children how great their mother or father is. Do this behind your spouse’s back and in her presence.
    9. Write a poem describing how you feel about your spouse. If you are not a poet, choose a card that expresses how you feel. Underline special words and add a few of your own at the end.
    10. If you find speaking “Words of Affirmation” is difficult for you, practice in front of a mirror. Use a cue card if you must, and remember, words are important.*

  • By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, ABC or NBC has your attention—not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention.

  • When I sit on the couch with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love.

  • Many of us…are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.

    1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. That keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that he/she has your full attention.
    2. Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time. Remember, quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. If you are watching, reading, or doing something else in which you are keenly interested and cannot turn from immediately, tell your spouse the truth. A positive approach might be, “I know you are trying to talk to me and I’m interested, but I want to give you my full attention. I can’t do that right now, but if you will give me ten minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.” Most spouses will respect such a request.
    3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot .” That gives him the chance to clarify his feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what he is saying.
    4. Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the other is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what she is really thinking and feeling.
    5. Refuse to interrupt. Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas. If I give you my undivided attention while you are talking, I will refrain from defending myself or hurling accusations at you or dogmatically stating my position. My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings. My objective is not to defend myself or to set you straight. It is to understand you.*

  • If receiving gifts is my primary love language, I will place great value on the ring you have given me and I will wear it with great pride. I will also be greatly moved emotionally by other gifts that you give through the years. I will see them as expressions of love. Without gifts as visual symbols, I may question your love.

  • Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

  • *If Your spouse’s love language is Receiving Gifts:

    1. Try a parade of gifts: Leave a box of candy for your spouse in the morning (yogurt candy if health is an issue); have flowers delivered in the afternoon (unless your spouse is allergic to flowers); give him a shirt in the evening. When your spouse asks, “What is going on?” you respond: “Just trying to fill your love tank!”
    2. Let nature be your guide: The next time you take a walk through the neighborhood, keep your eyes open for a gift for your spouse. It may be a stone, a stick, or a flower (be sure to ask your neighbor, if the flower is not in your own yard). You may even attach special meaning to your natural gift. For example, a smooth stone may symbolize your marriage with many of the rough places now polished. A rose may remind you of the beauty you see in your spouse.
    3. Discover the value of “handmade originals.” Make a gift for your spouse. This may require you to enroll in an art or crafts class: ceramics, silversmithing, painting, wood carving, etc. Your main purpose for enrolling is to make your spouse a gift. A handmade gift often becomes a family heirloom.
    4. Give your spouse a gift every day for one week. It need not be a special week, just any week. I promise you it will become “The Week That Was!” If you are really energetic, you can make it “The Month That Was!” No—your spouse will not expect you to keep this up for a lifetime.
    5. Keep a “Gift Idea Notebook.” Every time you hear your spouse say: “I really like that,” or “Oh, I would really like to have one of those!” write it down in your notebook. Listen carefully and you will get quite a list. This will serve as a guide when you get ready to select a gift. To prime the pump, you may look through a shopping catalog together.
    6. “Help! I’m confused!” If you really don’t have a clue as to how to select a gift for your spouse, ask a friend or family member who knows your wife or husband well to help you. Most people enjoy making a friend happy by getting them a gift, especially if it is with your money.
    7. Offer the gift of presence. Say to your spouse: “I want to offer the gift of my presence at any event or on any occasion you would like this month. You tell me when, and I will make every effort to be there.” Get ready! Be positive! Who knows, you may enjoy the symphony or the hockey game.
    8. Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself. Then offer to discuss together a chapter each week. Don’t choose a book that you want him or her to read. Choose a book on a topic in which you know your spouse has an interest: sex, football, needlework, money management, child rearing, religion, or backpacking.
    9. Give a lasting tribute. Give a substantial gift to your spouse’s church or favorite charity in honor of her birthday, your anniversary, or another occasion. Ask the charity to send a card informing your spouse of what you have done. The church or charity will be excited and so will your spouse.
    10. Give a living gift. Purchase and plant a tree or flowering shrub in honor of your spouse. You may plant it in your own yard, where you can water and nurture it, or in a public park or forest where others can also enjoy it. You will get credit for this one year after year. If it is an apple tree, you may live long enough to get an apple. One warning: Don’t plant a crab apple tree!*

  • Only one thing is certain about our behavior: It will not be the same behavior we exhibited when we were caught up in being “in love.”

  • Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

  • Due to the sociological changes of the past thirty years, there is no longer a common stereotype of the male and female role in American society.

  • *If your spouse’s love language is Acts of Service:

    1. Make a list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks. Select one of these each week and do it as an expression of love.
    2. Cut out some heart-shaped note cards and print the following: “Today I will show my love for you by…” Complete the sentence with one of the following: mowing the lawn, vacuuming the floor, washing dishes, taking the dog for a walk, cleaning the fish bowl, etc. Give your spouse a love note accompanied by the act of service every three days for a month.
    3. Ask your spouse to make a list of ten things he or she would like for you to do during the next month. Then ask your spouse to prioritize those by numbering them 1–10, with 1 being the most important and 10 being least important. Use this list to plan your strategy for a month of love. (Get ready to live with a happy spouse.)
    4. While your spouse is away, get the children to help you with some act of service for him. When he walks in the door, join the children in shouting “Surprise! We love you!” Then share your act of service.
    5. What one act of service has your spouse nagged about consistently? Why not decide to see the nag as a tag? Your spouse is tagging this as really important to him or her. If you choose to do it as an expression of love, it is worth more than a thousand roses.
    6. If your spouse’s requests for acts of service come across as nags or put-downs, try writing them in words that would be less offensive to you. Share this revised wording with your spouse. For example, “Honey, I love you so much. You are a hardworking man and I really appreciate you. I’d love to thank you in advance for mowing the lawn this week before Thursday when Mary and Bob come over for dinner.”*

  • *If your spouse’s love language is Acts of Service:

    1. Make a list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks. Select one of these each week and do it as an expression of love.
    2. Cut out some heart-shaped note cards and print the following: “Today I will show my love for you by…” Complete the sentence with one of the following: mowing the lawn, vacuuming the floor, washing dishes, taking the dog for a walk, cleaning the fish bowl, etc. Give your spouse a love note accompanied by the act of service every three days for a month.
    3. Ask your spouse to make a list of ten things he or she would like for you to do during the next month. Then ask your spouse to prioritize those by numbering them 1–10, with 1 being the most important and 10 being least important. Use this list to plan your strategy for a month of love. (Get ready to live with a happy spouse.)
    4. While your spouse is away, get the children to help you with some act of service for him. When he walks in the door, join the children in shouting “Surprise! We love you!” Then share your act of service.
    5. What one act of service has your spouse nagged about consistently? Why not decide to see the nag as a tag? Your spouse is tagging this as really important to him or her. If you choose to do it as an expression of love, it is worth more than a thousand roses.
    6. If your spouse’s requests for acts of service come across as nags or put-downs, try writing them in words that would be less offensive to you. Share this revised wording with your spouse. For example, “Honey, I love you so much. You are a hardworking man and I really appreciate you. I’d love to thank you in advance for mowing the lawn this week before Thursday when Mary and Bob come over for dinner.” Your husband might even respond: “Where is the lawn mower, I can’t wait!” Try it and see.
    7. Do some major acts of service like washing the car, cooking a meal, painting a bedroom, or washing the deck, and then post a sign that reads, “To (spouse’s name) with love,” and sign your name.
    8. If you have more money than time, hire someone to do the acts of service that you know your spouse would like for you to do, such as the lawn, the housecleaning, the car washing, the laundry. If you take the responsibility for getting it done, you will be speaking love even when you are away.
    9. Ask your spouse to tell you the daily acts of service that would really speak love to him or her. These might include such things as putting your dirty clothes in the hamper, getting the hairs out of the sink, hanging up your clothes at night, closing the door when you go outside, preparing a meal, and washing the dishes. Seek to work these into your daily schedule. “Little things” really do mean a lot.
    10. Periodically ask your spouse, “If I could do one special act of service this week, what would you request?” If possible, do it and watch your spouse’s love tank fill up!*

  • The old-timers used to say, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Many a man has been “fattened for the kill” by women who have believed this philosophy.

  • Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.

  • If your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries.

  • *If your spouse’s love language is Physical Touch:

    1. As you walk from the car to the shopping mall, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand. (Unless, of course, you have three preschool children with you.)
    2. While eating together, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your spouse. Be careful you are not rubbing the dog.
    3. Walk up to your spouse and say, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” Take her in your arms and hug her while you rub her back and continue. “You are the greatest!” (Resist the temptation to rush to the bedroom.) Untangle yourself and move on to the next thing.
    4. While your spouse is seated, walk up behind her and initiate a shoulder massage. Continue for five minutes unless your spouse begs you to stop.
    5. If you sit together in church, when the minister calls for prayer reach over and hold your spouse’s hand.
    6. Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage. Continue to other parts of the body as long as it brings pleasure to your spouse.
    7. Run the water in the Jacuzzi and announce to your spouse that you are looking for a partner to join you.
    8. Riding down the road together, reach over and touch your spouse on the leg, stomach, arm, hand, or…If he or she says “stop!” by all means put on the brakes.
    9. When family or friends are visiting, touch your spouse in their presence. A hug, running your hand along his or her arm, putting your arm around his as you stand talking, or simply placing your hand on her shoulder can earn double emotional points. It says, “Even with all these people in our house, I still see you.”
    10. When your spouse arrives at home, meet him or her one step earlier than usual and give your mate a big hug. If you normally meet at the door, go to the garage. If you normally meet in the garage, go to the street. Then, as the car turns into the driveway, stop your mate, lean into the lowered window, and give him or her a kiss. If you normally meet at the street, hide in the parking area and step out as your mate opens the door and give him or her a hug. (Be sure your mate sees you before you hug him or her.)*

  • *Having heard the five emotional love languages,

    • **Words of Affirmation
    • Quality Time
    • Receiving Gifts
    • Acts of Service
    • Physical Touch

  • Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.

  • Spend some time writing down what you think is your primary love language. Then list the other four in order of importance.

  • disequilibrium of the “in love experience.” That is, almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day.

  • When the tank is low…we have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.

  • If you claim to have feelings that you do not have, that is hypocritical…. But if you express an act of love that is designed for the other person’s benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice.